Numbered Days
It’s been almost nine months since my husband, Alan, passed away suddenly while, thankfully, doing something he enjoyed—working on the lawn. When I think about that day, the pain still can hit me like a wave—or a slap—and the tears flow. I didn’t get to say goodbye. And I wonder if he would still be here if I’d been home—or if I’d insisted he eat better, or if . . . (Futile thinking, but still it comes.)
I know God never intended that we should die. But, because of sin, death is inevitable (Romans 5:12). God knows when that day will come for each of us: “A person’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed” (Job 14:5). It was Alan’s time. But I don’t like it. I wanted more months, years, with him.
And yet . . . he's now with Jesus. In his Savior’s glorious presence. A place of no more tears or pain (Revelation 21:4). A place I can’t fathom and can only imagine. Alan’s self-doubts, hurt, fears, and questions are no more. He’s joyfully reunited with saved loved ones: his parents, my parents, his mentor who died at forty from cancer, and so many others. And I picture him rejoicing with those he never met but longed to, people like C. S. Lewis and D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones. Best and most important of all, he’s with his Lord. With Jesus.
I don’t and wouldn’t want Alan, or anyone who’s experiencing the joy of heaven, to leave that wonderful place just to ease my loneliness. And I’m so glad he didn’t have a long or difficult recovery in the hospital. (He would have hated that.) Still, I miss him. I miss his love of puns and our funny and often deep conversation, his intelligence and creativity, our drives in the country and walks in the woods, and just having someone around to be with or to enjoy the quiet. Someone who understood and knew me better than anyone else. I even miss his crankiness!
But God helps me to press on. He’s blessed me with strength and comfort—and even joy. He’s given me family and friends and a church family who love me. And I have a multitude of activities to fill my time: writing, reading, attending committee and other meetings, gardening, yard work, and Bible studies. I have friends to share a lunch or a walk, attentive children who also miss their dad (and invite me on their vacations), and ten grandchildren who fill my life with laughter and, often, craziness.
One day, my days too will be numbered. That will be the day when I meet Jesus face-to-face. And it will be the day when I’m reunited with Alan and other loved ones. I look forward to and long for that moment. Yet, like the apostle Paul, I’m torn between departing and being with Christ or continuing life here (Philippians 1:22-24).
For now, I try to live out the plans God still has for me and to love the people He’s placed in my life. Each day is a little easier and less painful than the last.
–Written by Alyson Kieda. Used by permission from the author.
