Trusting God Unconditionally
After a hectic month in every aspect of my life, I was struggling to juggle my regular responsibilities. The multitasking that used to come easily for me caused stress, frustration, and discouragement. I was dropping balls and missing marks—falling short in so many areas. I had adjusted to living with chronic pain and fatigue, accepting my limitations. I couldn’t understand why I was so overwhelmed. I was forgetting things, running behind, and questioning myself about everything.
As I teetered on that fragile point of uncertainty one Friday morning, I walked into the kitchen and pulled out my tub of medication to refill my pill boxes for the week. It didn’t take me long to figure out another error. And this one was big! I had forgotten to throw away an empty bottle of one of my medications. When I’d seen two bottles of that medication in my tub, I’d assumed I had enough medicine to refill my pill box for the week. I didn’t even have enough pills to get through the day! That was going to be a problem.
I wouldn’t have been too concerned if that medication was easy to refill. However, that medication had to be prescribed by a specialist that required 3 business days for refills at a pharmacy over an hour from our home that required 4-7 additional business days for refills. My breath quickened as I prayed. My fingers trembled as I typed emails to my doctor and my pharmacist. My voice quavered as I left a message at my doctor’s office, though I knew they wouldn’t answer their phones on a Friday.
Breathing deeply, I asked God to keep me from bursting into tears as I spoke to my pharmacist, a fellow believer in Jesus.
“I’ll do the best I can to prepare the medication,” she said, “but we can’t release the bottle without hearing from your doctor.”
“I understand,” I said. “I know you’re doing everything you can to help me. This is my fault.”
“I’ll use the back-office line to call your doctor,” she said.
“I’ll be praying for a miracle,” I said. “Even if you can’t get the medication to me in time, I’m grateful for your help.”
When I hung up the phone, I began to worry about the side effects of being without my medication for the whole weekend. It would take a miracle to get my specialist on the phone on a Friday. It would take a miracle for my pharmacist to make my specialty medication in one day, too. I had caused the mess. I didn’t deserve the compassion I was receiving from the pharmacist. And I didn’t deserve the loving response from my husband when I called to tell him about my mistake.
My husband, who worked over one hundred and twenty miles from the pharmacy, prayed with me and checked in with me every hour to see if I’d heard from the doctor. He decided to leave work early, even though we hadn’t heard from the doctor. In faith he started driving toward the pharmacy around 3:30 pm.
As the clock ticked, anxious thoughts and fear pricked holes into my faith. What if God didn’t come through? What if I didn’t get my medication? What if I was laid out and unable to work over the weekend? I had deadlines, events, plans. My temple began throbbing. What if . . . Heat rushed to my face. What if . . . I inhaled deeply. What if . . .
And then a miracle happened. It wasn’t the one I was praying for, but it was one that I needed: the Holy Spirit transformed my weakened what into an empowered even.
Even if my doctor didn’t call, even if my pharmacist couldn’t make or release my medication, even if my husband couldn’t make it to my pharmacy on time, God would still be the same. He would still be faithful and good. He would still provide for me and protect me. He would still carry me through, no matter what happened. God would never change.
As I exhaled a whisper of praise, peace enveloped me.
At around 4:45 pm my husband called to ask if I’d heard from my doctor.
“No,” I said. “But even if I don’t get the medication, God will take care of me. He’s taken care of me before. He’ll take care of me again.”
“I’m close to home,” he said. “Should I keep driving?”
“It’s up to you,” I said. “No matter what happens, I’ll be okay.” I exhaled, knowing the unshakeable truth of my declaration of faith was rooted in my unchanging God’s faithfulness yesterday and today and forever! My peace remained as long as I remained in His loving presence, even in the wake of uncertainty. This was His promise: the ever-flowing gift of living by faith and trusting the One who would always remain true to His Word.
“I’ll keep going,” my husband said.
Shortly after we hung up, I received calls from my specialist and my pharmacist. After driving over two hours in traffic, my husband arrived at the pharmacy at 5:54 pm, 6 minutes before its closing time. As the pharmacist handed the medication to my husband, I was at home praising my forever faithful God. Once again, He had proven Himself mighty and merciful and intimately involved in my life.
How could I have doubted God for even a moment?
As I lamented my frail faith, the Holy Spirit led me to a psalmist who cried out to God with similar desperation. He wrote, “Hear my prayer, Lord; let my cry for help come to you. Do not hide your face from me when I am in distress. Turn your ear to me; when I call, answer me quickly” (Psalm 102:1-2). The psalmist was physically afflicted, in distress, and losing sleep (vv. 3-7). He acknowledged his frailty and wrote, “My days are like the evening shadow; I wither away like grass. But you, Lord, sit enthroned forever; your renown endures through all generations” (vv. 11-12). The writer declared his frailty as a human being and proclaimed God’s immensity and sovereign goodness. Yet, he affirmed God’s willingness to remain personally involved with His people. He wrote, “He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea” (v. 17).
For a moment, I had forgotten that the Lord controlled the wind and the waves, the rising of the moon and the sun and the stars. As the praises rolled over my lips I read on. I thanked God that my husband drove on by faith. I thanked God that I didn’t believe He’d abandoned us, even as I trembled and feared in the land of what-ifs in my moment of distress. God understood my weakness and extended all the grace I needed in my human frailty.
As my husband kept driving toward the pharmacy, he was acting in faith. As I continued praying, even as I trembled and wept and poured out prayers with pleas of desperation, I was believing God would be who He promised to always be . . . even if He said no.
Though my flesh fell into the temptation of worry and fear, the Spirit was able to remind me of the unchanging truth of Scripture because His Word had been tucked into my heart through the ongoing study of the unchanging God-breathed words of Scripture over the years. Through the daily reading and studying of the Scriptures, verses were readily available for the Holy Spirit to access and bring to my heart and mind at just the right time.
These were the words that shook me back into faith as I waited for God to answer my prayer during my desperation: “In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same, and your years will never end. The children of your servants will live in your presence; their descendants will be established before you” (Psalm 102:25-27).
Whether we’re facing a big problem or something small, God cares about the details of our lives. He is still able and available to work miracles on our behalf. In this world of uncertainties, we can trust our unchanging God unconditionally.
–Written by Xochitl Dixon. Used by permission from the author.
